We had always planned to be honest about adoption with our child, but I had not thought much about birth parents playing an ongoing role in our lives before we walked into the adoption agency.
As I came to learn about open adoption, I began to accept the idea that our child's birth parents might play some ongoing role in our lives. And, I'm embarrassed to admit that I was not initially happy about that.
I don't want to share my child, I remember thinking. It seemed one more injustice after the disappointment of infertility.
I accepted that contact with birth parents would be good and important, but I felt the way I imagine many divorced parents feel at the idea of having to maintain contact with an ex spouse and the ex's family -- a necessity, but not something I would enjoy.
But during the months of contact before my daughter was born, I came to realize that I really liked her birth mom. This won't be so bad, I thought. And over time, my feelings about the involvement of my children's birth family has evolved -- in fact, I would welcome more contact than their birth mother has chosen to have, and I'm sometimes disappointed at the limited contact we have.
I thought a lot about the evolution of my feelings in reading The Sound of Hope by Anne Bauer. The book is a memoir of growing up adopted -- in a less than perfect family -- and Anne's search and reunification with her birth family.
Anne was adopted long before open adoptions became common. Although her parents were open about her adoption, they were not thrilled at her decision to search for her birth family. But Anne's memoir makes it clear how important and vital was the connection to her biological roots.
I read The Sound of Hope as part of a book tour sponsored by Lori at LavenderLuz.com. The book tour is sort of an online book club where participants pose questions for others on the book tour to discuss.
Question 1: Enduring Birth Family Bonds
In her adoption memoir Anne Bauer speaks of her connection to her birth mother and father, "The bond between us couldn't be completely severed as everyone, as everyone wanted it to be. Another part of me existed somewhere in the world, a part I was once attached to and depended on for life. To me, the umbilical cord served a function that was much more than physical. It was my essence, my origin, my connection to my biological ancestors. As far as I was concerned, the cord was still attached. Who were these people who were the cause of my existence? Did they wonder about me in the same way I often wondered about them?" What are your thoughts about this passage from your lens (adopted person, birth parent, adoptive parent)?
When I read this passage, I thought about my daughter and how deeply connected she is to her birth parents -- even though her direct contact is minimal with her birth mother and nonexistent with her birth father.
From the time I began to tell Ashley her adoption story, she was fascinated. Even as a toddler, she was keenly interested and frequently would ask me to tell her "my 'doption story" or ask about "Ashley's story." And once she understood what adoption really meant, it was clear that she felt a deep connection with her birth family.
We send letters and pictures a few times a year to my children's birth mom. And while I've invited contact from her several times over the years, she's chosen to have only minimal contact -- typically a quick email to acknowledge a card or letter or package that we've sent to her.
We know almost nothing about Ashley's birth father and have no idea how to contact him -- something that is deeply troubling to her.
Interestingly, that connection is not something my son shares as of yet. He's never been particularly interested in hearing his adoption story. And the connection to his birth family is still very tenuous. I'm not sure whether that will change as he gets older. (He's just a few months away from being 6.)
Question 2: The Importance of Appearance
When Anne has children, she says that everyone around her, especially her mother, would not admit to her children looking like her. Why do you think that is, especially given that her parents were open about her adoption status (although not open to discussing it)?
Because our genetics determine our appearance, who we look like is deeply connected to our biological roots. And that can touch deeply on our comfort -- or discomfort -- about the realities of adoption. (And for adoptive parents, it can be a reminder of the pain of infertility -- and the loss of having the baby who "looks just like you.")
When my daughter was younger, I was often told how much she looked like me. I always found that amusing because my daughter looks just like her birth mother -- and almost nothing like me except for the fact that we have the same eye color.
When my son was younger, people would occasionally remark how much he looked like my husband. My children (who are biological half siblings) look very much like one another -- but, again, almost nothing like me or my husband.
Sometimes the comments about how much they looked like us would come from people who knew they were adopted. I think they were trying to "assure" us in some ways that we were a real family -- as if the strength of our family connections depended on being able to pretend that we were a biological family.
Question 3: Shattering Secrets
When Anne learns that she has another mother, she concludes that no secret can be kept forever. When her adoptive father attempts to persuade her not to meet with her birth mother, she stands up to him and declares that keeping secrets only causes more problems down the road. What do you think makes Anne resist her adoptive family's efforts at secret keeping?
The need to know and understand who we are is a strong one. For Anne, as for many adoptees, knowing and understanding her birth family is key to knowing who she is.
I sometimes think that one of the greatest losses for my children is the loss of extended family and the stories that come with having a rich knowledge of extended family.
The stories that I know about my extended family -- including some I've never met -- form a tapestry that weaves my life with those I'm connected to biologically. Part of the sense of who I am is based on the history of my family. I sometimes wonder how my children will navigate that aspect of themselves and how they will assemble their own tapestries.
Be sure to check out the responses of other participants on The Sound of Hope book tour. To continue to the next leg of this book tour, please visit the main list at LavenderLuz.com.
