Reflections on Mother's Day

Ashley has been excited for Mother’s Day to arrive since last weekend when she went shopping with her father for Mother’s Day gifts. This is the first year that she has really had an idea of what Mother’s Day is all about.

Ashley began the morning by asking if today was Mother’s Day (a question I’ve been answering since Monday) and then shouted “Happy Mother’s Day!” when I told her that, yes, today was finally Mother’s Day. She made breakfast (toast) “all by herself” (with a little supervision from Andy) and then happily showed me the necklace she had selected during their shopping excursion last week. (Of course, I later learned that she “really, really liked” the necklace and would be happy to wear it when I wasn’t.)

Luke still doesn’t understand much about Mother’s Day, but he’s in a rather cuddly phase regardless, so I’ve been treated to plenty of “I love you, Mommy” and requests for snuggles (“Nuggle, Mommy”), which are always heartwarming.

And today, like the other Mother’s Days I’ve celebrated since becoming a mother, I think about my children’s birthmother. My chance for the joy of motherhood came about because of her difficult and brave decision to make adoption plans for children she felt unable to parent in the way she felt they deserved. So today, while I send good wishes her way, I also stop and wonder whether I live up to the hopes and trust she placed in me when she allowed me the privilege of mothering her birth children.

I suspect I’m not the only mother who often wonders whether I do “good enough” for my children. I know I’m pretty good at the basics – after all, as a therapist working with children and families, I know about child development and I’m often working with parents on discipline strategies. I know we have good limits and boundaries and schedules – and that we’re generally consistent at enforcing them. I know that we provide Ashley and Luke with the right kinds of stimulation and lots of family time.

But there’s always that nagging question – beyond the basics, am I good enough? Do I spend enough time with them? Do I yell a tad too much? Do I remember to tell them often enough about the good things they do? (I especially ask myself that question on those particularly challenging days with Ashley.)

I wonder if they will grow up knowing that I really like them in addition to loving them. And, I wonder if they will like me when they grow up. Will they call and visit out of a sense of devotion – or because they really want to?

I was also reminded today of the origins of Mother’s Day – which was not about cards or gifts or our individual relationships with our children. Mother’s Day has its beginnings in a proclamation by Julia Ward Howe, who was passionate about peace and equality. After working with widows and orphans of Civil War soldiers, she saw first hand the devastation of war, and so in 1870, she issued a call for women to come together to work for peaceful resolution to conflicts.

Here is the text of her proclamation:

Arise, then, women of this day. Arise all women who have hearts, whether your baptism be that of water or of tears. Say firmly, we will not have great questions decided by irrelevant agencies. Our husbands shall not come to us, reeking with carnage, for caresses and applause. Our sons shall not be taken from us to unlearn all that we have been able to teach them of charity, mercy and patience. We, the women of one country, will be too tender of those of another country to allow our sons to be trained to injure theirs. From the bosom of a devastated earth, a voice goes out with our own. It says, “Disarm! Disarm! The sword of murder is not the balance of justice. Blood does not wipe out dishonor, nor violence indicate possession. As men have often forsaken the plow and the anvil at the summons of war, let women now leave all that may be left of home for a great and earnest day of counsel. Let them meet first as women to bewail and commemorate the dead. Let them solemnly take counsel with each other, as the means whereby the great human family can live in peace, each bearing after her own time the sacred impress, not of Caesar, but of God. In the name of womanhood and humanity, I earnestly ask that a general congress of women without limit of nationality, may be appointed and held at someplace deemed most convenient and the earliest period consistent with its objects, to promote the alliance of the different nationalities, the amicable settlement of international questions, the great and general interests of peace.

Julia Ward Howe did not live to see Mother’s Day declared an official holiday (which happened in 1914, four years after her death). I’m not sure what she would think about our current celebration, which is far from her idea of a “Mother’s Day for Peace.” But, her message that we as women can join together to work toward change in our world is still an important one.

 I do know that as a mother, I am more passionate about issues of social justice than I was before having children. Part of that, I think, is the realization that I would like some things to be different about the world my children grow up in. And, part of it is the desire to show my children that even ordinary people can be a voice for change.

 While I believe it’s important that I be active and involved in issues that face the larger world, I also believe that many changes begin much closer to home. Peace and justice are worldwide issues, but they are also neighborhood issues, and even family issues. After all, I can’t very well advocate for peace and tolerance in the world at large if I can’t be tolerant and model peaceful problem solving in my own home.

 I’m reminded of a quote from Mahatma Ghandi – “You must be the change you wish to see in the world.”   So, in the end, peace and justice and equality are as much about how we treat those around us (including the little people who live in our houses) as they are about how we interact with the world at large.